


I Don't Deserve You

by LovetheOmni



Category: Shaman King
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-06
Updated: 2006-08-06
Packaged: 2017-12-03 17:41:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/700932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovetheOmni/pseuds/LovetheOmni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ren has a nightmare and Horo comforts him, but when Horo asks what his nightmare was about he finds out about the side of Ren he never knew. Can Horo save Ren from his low self-esteem problems before he kills himself? yaoi lemon oneshot (Old fic; Posted on ff.net on 08-06-06)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Deserve You

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Я недостоин тебя](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5026219) by [Vincenta (rmsmwia)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rmsmwia/pseuds/Vincenta)



My heart was racing. Tears leaked out from the corners of my eyes. I wanted to scream, but it seemed like the more I tried the more it built up inside of me, threatening to burst. I knew it was coming. I could almost feel the whip graze my skin already. I had misbehaved. I had stepped out of line, and now I would pay the price.

I know I deserved it. That's the only thing I've ever really deserved: pain. All the times my father beat me, and it still never made up for the pain I've caused others. Nothing ever will…

"Ren… Ren! REN! Wake up, dude!"

My eyes snapped open and it took a while to register that it was all a dream...

"Were you having another nightmare?" Horo Horo asked, looking worried, as usual.

"I'm fine, Horo…" I muttered, sitting up. "Go back to bed."

"Are you sure?" Horo has always been so concerned about me. I don't deserve him.

"Dui," I affirmed in my native language, mustering up a fake smile.

"You don't sound convincing," Horo said, giving me a comforting smile. "You wanna talk about it?" I raised an eyebrow at him. "Well… you look like you need to," he added quickly.

"I'm fine, Horo," I said, again, hoping he'd go away this time.

"You don't look fine," Horo said, trying to hold back a snicker. I shot him a glare.

"What do I have to do to get you to go away?" I asked, sighing.

"What? No threat? That must have been a pretty bad dream to have messed you up this much…"

"HORO!" I yelled, quickly pulling out my Kwan-do and pointing it dangerously close to his face.

"Alright! Alright!" Horo said, chuckling. "I'll only leave you alone if you tell me what your dream was about." I rolled my eyes in defeat.

"Fine… I'll tell you. Then will you leave me alone?"

"Depends on what your dream was about," Horo said, honestly. I sighed.

"I dreamt about my dad again, alright?" I said, aggravated. " _Now_ will you leave me alone? I don't want to talk to anyone right now."

"Ren, what your dad did was wrong, and…"

"No, it wasn't…" I mumbled.

"What?" Horo asked, though I'm sure he heard me very well.

"I _said_ : No, it _wasn't_ … I deserved it," I spat out at him. Horo tensed up at that.

"Do you really think that, Ren…?" he asked, sadly. I didn't say anything, but he knew the answer already. Horo's arms wrapped around me tightly before I could push him away.

"Horo? What-?"

"You didn't deserve that, Ren…"

"No, I deserved worse…" Horo hugged me even tighter, lowering my chances of ever getting out of his grasp. Horo started shaking, and I couldn't understand why…

"Horo? What's the matter?" I asked.

"Do you always think of yourself this way?" he whispered. "Do you always put yourself down like that?" I was taken aback by this.

"Why do _you_ care?" I thought aloud. "After all, you're always the one fighting with me and calling me names. I thought you'd agree with me on this." Horo's nice when he wants to be, so he would never say it aloud, but I'm sure he knows it too. I deserve every bit of pain my father gave me and more.

Horo flinched and drew back out of the hug to look me in the eyes. I saw that, when he was shaking, he had been crying. Why was he crying… for me?

"Why do I _care_?" This time I saw anger flash in his eyes. That's it. I had really done it this time. I deserved to be beat again… "I'll tell you why I care, Tao Ren! I care about you because I _love_ you!"

My heart had either stopped beating or was beating so fast that I couldn't feel it. I couldn't really tell at the moment. Horo leant down pressed his mouth against mine.

My mind fogged up and I couldn't think straight. So I did the first thing that came to my mind: I kissed him back. Horo smiled into the kiss at my reaction and licked my bottom lip, silently asking for entry. When I didn't give it to him, he started sucking on it instead, making me gasp and giving him the chance he needed to slip his tongue in my mouth.

I don't deserve you, Horo…

It seemed like that snapped me back to reality. I pulled away from him and finally got out of the grasp of his arms.

"W-what are you doing? We're b-both guys!" I stammered.

"Well, you've told me once before that you're not interested in girls."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean that I like guys!" Horo raised an eyebrow.

"What else is there?"

"Nothing! A Tao doesn't fall in love! Who would even want to fall in love with a Tao, anyway?"

"Well, _I_ did," Horo said matter-of-factly, making the heat rush up to my face. "And I'm not asking if a Tao falls in love, Ren. I want to know if _you_ would fall in love with _me_."

"I-I…" I trailed off. He was right. I had fallen in love with him. I had come to terms with that a long time ago, but I knew it wouldn't work out. I didn't deserve to be with someone as wonderful as him… I would hurt him, just like the countless others I've hurt in my lifetime.

"Ren?" Horo asked, waking me up from my daydream.

"I d-don't deserve you," I muttered finally. Horo gazed at me sadly.

"If anything, you deserve better than me," he said, "but I'd like for you to at least give me a try."

"Nothing's better than you, Horo…"

"What?" A smile spread across his face. "So you _do_ like me!" I blushed.

"I never said that."

"Aw, look! You're turning red!"

"Kisama!" I tackled him to the ground, but he pushed me over so that he was on top of me.

"Ha! I win!" he said, giving me a victory sign. I growled at him in annoyance. "Now to claim my prize," he said, smirking. He leaned down and, once again, brushed his lips against mine.

I almost didn't want to stop. A part of me, the selfish part, wanted to stay in his arms forever. He pulled away.

"Why don't you think you deserve to be loved, Ren?" he asked, giving me a sincere look.

"I've caused others so much pain… I don't deserve the happiness I took from so many people."

"Ren! You're father raised you to do all those things. You didn't know. It's not your fault."

"It's my fault for believing him," I said. "After all he had ever done to me, I should've known that what he said to me wasn't true. Humans don't deserve to die. _No one_ deserves to die. Everyone has a kind heart deep inside."

"Even you," Horo said, brightly. "See! We agree on something!"

"Wait a minute! When did I agree to that?" Horo just laughed and kissed the corner of my mouth.

"You've changed since then, Ren. Even if you think that you didn't deserve happiness then, what makes you think you don't deserve it now?" I was silent. "Ren, you've realized that what you did was wrong. You changed yourself. You've paid for the things you did. What more do you need to do to be happy?"

"I need to die…" I muttered. Horo's eyes widened in alarm.

"No, Ren…" he said, letting the tears he'd been trying to hold back fall down onto my face.

"Yes I do, Horo!" I protested. "I-"

"Stop it, Ren," Horo said, angrily. "Those people you killed… some of them were killers too, right?"

"Yeah…"

"Then did they deserve to die?"

"No. _No one_ deserves a fate like that. Even if they were killers once, I took away their chance to change..."

"Kind of like you're taking away your own chance to change?" My eyes widened. "Ren, you've already changed. You just haven't realized it yet. You're not the uncaring homicidal maniac you used to be. You're the kindest person I've ever met… and you're the one I've fallen in love with…"

"Horo…" I whispered, speechless. Horo showered my face in kisses. I brought my arms up to wrap around his neck.

What good would it do if I died? How would that right the wrongs that I've done? I could really only help the world if I'm still alive. If I died I'd just be another teenage suicide and nothing else.

"Horo… you might… be right…" I said, slowly. He searched my face for some kind of sign that I was lying. When he didn't find it, he flashed me a big smile.

"Really?" he asked. I nodded. Horo crashed his lips down with mine, and we shared a pretty sloppy kiss. He slid his tongue in my mouth again and this time I returned the favor. I moaned at how warm it felt. Horo took that as a sign to go a little farther.

His hands roamed all over my body. He ground his hardness against mine, making me groan in impatience.

All of a sudden he stopped.

"I'm sorry, Ren. I… I didn't mean to force you…" I looked into his eyes, and they shone with guilt. "I really do love you, Ren," he said, making a move to get off of me. "I'm sorry I took it so far. I know you're probably not ready yet." I grunted and kissed him again as hard as I could.

"Shut up. I'm ready," I said, letting our lips part for only a few seconds before claiming his mouth again. All I wanted right now was to feel close to Horo. I wanted to know that he was there for me.

I rolled us over so that I was on top and reached down to run my hands underneath his shirt. I pinned him down and slipped his shirt off before tossing it aside and gliding my tongue over the sensitive skin on Horo's neck.

Horo moaned my name, his eyes glazing over with lust. He moved his hands down to try to get my shirt off, but he was too distracted to concentrate so I had to stop what I was doing to remove the damn thing.

By now we were both shirtless and I felt my pants starting to get very tight on me. I could feel that they were tight on Horo as well. Horo rolled us over again so that he was on top. I scowled at him and I swear I saw him smirk at me before hungrily invading my mouth.

He left a wet trail of kisses down to my neck, but he didn't stop there. He made his way down and licked along the hem of my pants. I groaned.

He looked up at me as if asking for permission to go farther. I nodded. He quickly unzipped my pants, and I lifted myself a bit to help him slip them off. He threw them off to the side and went down to claim my lips once more. Pretty soon all of our clothing had been removed.

Horo took a minute to look at me. I kissed any part of his skin I could find and I nipped at his ear a bit to show him I was too aroused to wait any longer, but it didn't help. He slid his hand up my side, taking it all in. He sighed contently. He was all mine and I was all his. We loved each other and that's all that mattered right now.

I arched my back and moaned out Horo's name, doing anything to make the speed increase. Horo chuckled to himself before obliging.

He slowly worked his way down, making me wonder what he was doing. Before I could work up my voice and ask, he took my entire length into his mouth. I whimpered and gasped, thrusting deep into the wet heat. I threw back my head.

"Horo…" I begged. The pace increased and I could feel my body starting to spasm. I could feel my climax approaching, and with one final outburst I came.

Horo kissed me again as I lay panting underneath him.

"You okay?" he asked. I smiled at him, still not opening my eyes.

"Of course I am, Horo," I said, brushing my knuckles on his cheek, "I'm with you."

"You aren't just saying that because I gave you a blow job are you?" Horo asked, a little sadly. "And in the morning it won't all be over between us will it?" I looked at him in disbelief.

"You really think I would do that with someone I didn't care for?" I asked, exasperatedly.

"Uh… well… no," Horo sputtered, embarassed.

"Of course not, Horo! I did that because I love you too." Horo took it all in before a smile worked at the corners of his mouth.

"What?" he asked, though I'm sure he heard me very clearly.

"I love you, Horo, ok?" I said, blushing deep red. "But I… I just don't want to hurt you like I seem to end up hurting everyone else." Horo snuggled in closer to me and kissed down my jaw to my ear.

"No matter what happens, I will never regret being right here with you now." He tried to distract me with his kisses before pushing a wet finger in me without a warning. I grunted in surprise. I had been caught of guard.

"Shh, Ren," Horo said comfortingly. "This'll hurt at first, but it'll get better." I nodded and surrendered my body to him. After all, I trusted him.

Horo slipped another finger in and moved his fingers in a scissor-motion inside of me. It felt a little uncomfortable but it didn't hurt that bad. I winced once he slid in a third finger but I hardly noticed. All I could feel right now was my body heat rising.

Once Horo was satisfied with stretching me out, he hooked my legs over his shoulders. He looked me in the eyes.

"You ready?" he asked. "Because I can wait if you-"

"Just do it already," I snapped. How dare he try to back out now!

Horo chuckled before positioning himself over my entrance and slowly driving in all the way. I let out a yelp at the pain, but judging by the sounds Horo was making, he was enjoying himself.

"Are you… okay?" he panted, trying to hold back and let me adjust. He pulled out and pushed back in, but it still hurt _a lot_. I held in a whimper.

"Don't… worry about me… Horo," I said through my gasps. "I can deal with it." Horo sighed, knowing right away that I just didn't want to admit that I was in pain.

"Do you want me to keep going?" I nodded. Horo thrusted in a few more times, trying to make me feel good too. The pain faded slowly, and soon the pleasure took over.

"Horo Horo…" I muttered, my eye-brows locking together as I moved against him as well. "Faster…"

Horo gladly did as he was told. He pounded into me as much as he dared, bringing out noises from me that I never thought I could make. Horo changed his position a few times, as if looking for something.

I screamed in ecstasy. I think he found what he was looking for.

Horo brushed against that bundle of nerves over and over, earning loud moans from me every single time.

It seemed like my brain had completely shut off, and I didn't even notice that I had completely abandoned Japanese and starting muttering to him in my native language. I knew that Horo didn't understand Chinese, but he didn't have to. Somehow he just knew what I wanted.

My body started jerking erratically, signaling that the end was coming near.

"Ren…" Horo grunted, unhooking my legs from his shoulders so he could have better access. I could feel my muscles starting to tighten around him as I released, collapsing under him. Horo moaned breathlessly as he came as well.

"Gods, Ren…" Horo panted, taking a second before pulling out. "I love you." I smiled at him and pulled him into a loving kiss, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"I love you too, Horokeu. I promise never to hurt you." Horo grinned at me and rolled over beside me. Exhausted, we both feel asleep in each other's arms.

I was never going to hurt anyone ever again. Including myself.

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first lemon, so it was very weird to write. It was also quite fun. I think choosing the proper word choice is the best part. Imagine me up really late at night, giggling myself to death like an idiot. xD   
> I wrote this a long time ago, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.


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